How are days 11-18 going you ask? Well… Lets take a jaunt down memory lane, shall we?
Days 11-14 Lets have some real talk about those days. I’m sarcastic and a bit of a jokester (mostly me laughing at my own jokes) but this time I want to take it down a notch and get a little personal. Days 11 through 15 were hard, and not just because I’m not touching my first draft. Those days were rough for so many other reasons. Reasons that I could easily gloss over and say, “Life happened” to satisfy people and not go into details. Life did happen, but I feel that my struggles could very well help someone out there who may be struggling with the same or similar things.
I’ve had depression since I was in middle school. I really didn’t know what it was back then, all I knew was that I would get really sad and down on myself for no reason and nothing seemed to help me pull out of it. In high school, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and “mood swings” by a psychiatrist who will remain unnamed, that proceeded to prescribe me pills left and right. I was only fifteen at this time and was taking antidepressants, anti-anxiety, mood stabilizers, and sleeping pills (insert WTF here). For the better part of a year this was my life. I took pills and felt like more of a zombie than a human for that time frame. It wasn’t until my mom talked to me about some of the things that I’d been taking that I began to question this doctor and feel like I needed to start getting off of them. Gradually, I got off of all of the medications, and while I still had depression in my life I felt HUMAN again and could function better.
Now let me insert a disclaimer right here. I am not saying in any way, shape, or form that taking pills for a mental disorder is a bad thing. IT’S NOT. Take them if you feel that it will help you or if you know that they do help you. But in this situation it was not helping me the way it should have been. This doctor pushed pills at me instead of listening to me when I was struggling. Pills, for me at that time, were not what I needed, or if I did need them, I didn’t need to be tranquilized.
Fast forward about ten years and here I am, a full-functioning adult, mother, wife, friend, etc. I’ve learned how to manage my depression in ways that work for me. I DETEST going to the gym most of the time, but I know that the endorphins will help me feel better and they do about 90% of the time, so I go anyway. I also know that I’d rather eat Panda Express or Sonic for dinner rather than eat a salad, but I also know that my diet can affect my depression too so I eat a salad to keep balance. There are times when diet and exercise aren’t enough, and I find myself in a really dark place, one that’s hard to pull myself out of. In those times, being alone is all I want. My husband has been patient with me and talks to me when I’m down or feeling like I want seclusion. There are times when he grants me my wish and leaves me be so I can wait for it to pass. There are also other times when he stays with me and helps me through it.
Days 11 through 14 were days of me pulling myself out of a dark place again. This isn’t anything new for me, but every time I do go through it I find myself wondering if I it will end, like somehow this will be the time when things don’t get better. I always have this inner voice that gently reminds me it will get better and things will seem light again. Holding onto that hope is sometimes all I can do to keep myself going through the day so I can keep on taking care of my son to the best of my abilities, or being the wife I want to be for my husband. Sometimes, it’s the little things that help us through, which brings me to days 15-18.
Days 15-18 *Lights come back on and we all loosen our ties again* Ok, enough with the heavy stuff.
Day 15- SUNDAY. One of my favorite days. Wanna know why? My husband doesn’t touch homework on this day and I get him ALL to myself. Just picture a little girl squeezing a stuffed bear so tight that the eyes bulge out a little and that’s basically me with my husband on Sundays. They’re amazing to me. We get to be a little family on Sundays so we go for bike rides, walks, watch sunsets, or “chase a mountain” on a family drive.
Day 16- Monday… *glares at calendar* I feel very similarly about this day as Michael Scott does about Toby from The Office.
“Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting you make it not that way.” -Michael Scott or Kristin to Mondays
In last Mondays defense, it wasn’t that bad. It was actually enjoyable for a Monday. That could have been the Reeses pieces talking that I ate with my two-year-old throughout the day, but then again, maybe it was actually a nice Monday. I’ll take it either way.
Monday night I went to see a movie called Split. (Side note from personal experience: Don’t go see intense movies at night by yourself.) It wasn’t quite what I thought it was going to be, but I did it for research, which brings me to my next question for the universe: Is it really considered me tweaking the first draft if I went to see this movie for inspiration for a character in it? Is it really? I mean, come on.
Day 17- Oh gosh, Tuesday. I realized that I miss my characters, like…a lot. And I began to wonder if this was normal or if I’m just way too involved with my story. I then decided that it’s probably normal to begin seeing your characters like your own friends but that it’s probably not normal to just admit that to people, haha. Oh, well.
Day 18- I tried to purchase my tickets for the Tucson Festival of Books and THEY WOULDN’T LET ME. Ok, Ok, I did try to get them before anyone could, but come on! I just want to go to this thing because I feel like it will be filled with my people! I’ve never been to one of these things and I’m going to be going solo, which makes it all the more exciting for me. New York Times Bestselling Author Maggie Stiefvater is going to be there and if you don’t know who she is I highly recommend the Shiver Trilogy to you. Seriously, go find it, go read it, go enjoy. You’re welcome, by the way.
There will be a lot of other well known authors there as well such as NYT Bestselling Author James Dashner who wrote the Maze Runner series. His event is one of the blessed events that requires a ticket to get into, which I’ll be able to get next Monday (blech) at noon.
Until next time readers (all two of you, haha).